I WAY overate I think…how does the saying go? “I can’t believe I ate the whole thing?”

Funny, I think I am learning something about myself through this weblog. Just a heads up, don’t read this entry if you don’t want to admit that those who you think have it together, don’t. Cause they probably don’t….

Cool, typing this blog doesn’t cost $ like therapy, and at least this way only those who want to read it should, and if not, escapism is just another CLICK away…

Yuk. I messed up today. It started off well, as it usually does….I have been starting each day off with a nice mix of my Metagenics rice protein shake, IntestiNEW (a digestive support with glutamine), with filtered water and fiber…I wash down my EFAs and Chinese Herbs with it. (Did I mention that I am taking an chinese herbal formula called “the running piglet?” It has some other Chinese name, but that is the English translation…Way too funny of a name I think. IT makes me giggle each time I consider it. However, my TCM doc says that my issues have much to do with my nervous stress and energy… you know…the little piglet runs here, and there…well, you get the picture.)

So I had that mixture, but didn’t get around to eating again until around 11 when I ate a raw fiber bar. It hit my belly like a brick. I was running about at work, and had to run to the bank at lunch, so I didn’t get to eat until after 3pm. So then I was really in bad shape, especially since my lunch was just a small salad with a few garbanzos on it. And, to make matters worse, It happened to be a special day for my students…They have been working so hard, and I wanted to offer a break to them, so I brought in the movie Super Size Me, (fits since we are a digestive care company, you know) and I also brought in popcorn and candy…so during the movie I ate a bit of popcorn…yes, corn! Something I DON’T eat. Why did I eat it? I am not sure actually! IT was like I was posessed….perhaps the MSG Morgan was eating in the movie rubbed off on me sitting in the audience. And I didn’t stop there…I also ate 5 twizler pieces, and about 8 red hot tamale candies…I felt ill. All foods that DON’T like Cassy…And I could have just reached into my totebag and dragged out some protein powder instead…

But it gets worse. I came into the house feeling all lousy from that junk food, and proceeded to eat 3 pieces of lavash bread, dry and crunchy straight from the toaster. It was millet flax, not so bad, but then I ate some nasty spicy chicken stuff, which has left this awful coating in my mouth, and I am sure it had wheat or gluten in it, because I want to yak, and can’t. And no, I don’t mean yak like that…I mean YAK!

(yăk) Slang. intr.v., yakked also yacked, yak·king yack·ing, yaks yacks.

To talk persistently and meaninglessly; chatter. Prolonged, sometimes senseless talk; chatter.

Yet there is no one here to listen, hubby out working on his latest Volvo project, and the cat having wandered off to chew on his catnip toy…wah…so I sit here and I don’t feel sorry for myself, no, but I will babble and yak here online. Hah, she says to those about who said historically that the industrial revolution and modernity would make us antisocial and automatons…I have found another way. Course, it was a way others had found before me, but this is fine with me. (That I is to be said like Brad Pitt’s character in 12 Monkeys, and you will know what I am getting at if you have seen that film. Pure brilliance, if not a bit over the top. His best acting to date, imho)

I have taken a digestive enzyme, but it doesn’t seem to want to kick in…peraps the chicken was bad. I feel like the Alka Seltzer comercial…”I can’t believe I ate…” And then there is the self doubt, “why can’t I focus and follow my own healthy advice…” Why, indeed, can’t someone who knows better, know better? I feel like I know the rules, but just can’t seem to follow them.

I have, of course, no one to blame but myself…But I don’t want to play the blame game. SO I will just smile and try and forget it. I will commit to that. A healthy dose of positive thinking, right?

So, what has been going on for me lately? Hum…Well, it is the end of week four of the six week class for my second set of students. The bag of tricks is certainly coming in handy. Mom was right about that, it does get easier the second time around. I am learning how to look out at the students eyes, and gauge comprehension. I am learning when to ask more questions, and how they look when they ‘get it.’ And, of course, I am not taking it as personally when something I teach doesn’t “stick”. I know, I know, that isn’t all true, I do still take it personally. But I don’t let it keep me up nights like I did the first time at least. Instead, I just try and figure another way to communicate the same message, theory, lesson, etc. It all comes down to communication in the long run.

Been thinking about how stress tends to motivate me in most things. I am pretty restless and anxious most of the time. Neurotic might be a better term, if not particularly endearing…Isn’t it weird how the way that we see ourselves, is so very much at times NOT how others view us? And yet, at other times, we can be spot on with others views, and yet not GET how much we need to change anyway? I am not making sense am I? It must be the chicken and the IBS wrecking havoc…or no, perhaps it is the running piglet! He has gone amuk!

Here is an illustration: Last weekend I spent hours scrubbing the bathroom sink. It seemed to make things better, but it is fleeting, you know?… For as hard as I scrub, some things just don’t fade, and the dirt just builds back up again it seems…I guess that is alegorical for how I feel these days. So many issues to deal with. And no matter how deep I dig, they just seem to get either worse, or at least, just stay as substantial as they always were. I overhead something today that reminded me truly, that no matter how hard I try, I seem to end up back in the same loop.

And it gets depressing. And what is worse, is that no matter how much I uncover, there is always something else toppeling in, and I always find some way to just to bury what is at the core, adding in something else to try and cover up the problem!

And food choices don’t seem to be cutting it anymore. I have to admit I have issues. I suppose this makes me vulnerable, but aren’t ‘wounded healers’ the best type? I mean, such have seen how bad things can be, which makes one approachable, and of course more capable of understanding other’s pitfalls.

OUch, my side aches from all that junk I pounded…It feels like a basketball is up under my left lower rib. Bubbles, more likely.

Anyway, I am beginning to see and admit that there is like an extreme high I get when I am able to MASTER a particular way of eating. It is not unlike the bulumic or anerexic who controls his/her eating, as a means of ‘controll’ of life. Really. I am starting to see this pattern in my own thinking. I ‘feel’ more in control when I am counting calories, or skipping meals, or just eating fruit, or juices or something, or just when I ‘feel’ slimmer. Wow. What an epiphany. I mean, I know all of this. I mean, I know how all this can work. I just never assumed I had it that bad! It has to be true though. I ‘feel‘ better when I notice I am not eating as much, or when I am eating something that I accept is ‘healthy’. And I am extremely judgemental of myself, and others. And I have to make any number of excuses to others and myself when I ‘cheat’ on my diets. And I am never happy with how I appear, unless my close aren’t tugging, etc. And I have been extremly obsessive about exercise, even to the point of lying to others about NOT exercising.

Seems like this same pattern is rampant in other parts of my life too. I can induce a similar rush when thinking about a particular song, or a moment in my life, or the look I see in a person’s eyes when they get what I am trying to say. It is a rush. It is like being on something. You just feel it…and then you feel lousy once it is past and you try dreadfully hard to bring it back around…

Sometimes it seems like I go months feeling fine, and then there are other times when it is a rush and then a drop, and then a rush again…Kinda like I am on a teeter todder….

Well, this was an interesting entry today. I am not sure what brought it on. But it is good anyway, I need to face this. SO I will leave the entry, and make myself read it a couple of times till I feel it really sink in. Perhaps it will help everyone see that it hard trying to be perfect, and seeing the light when the obstacles seem to just topple you over. Being human is scary sometimes. It’s all about faith. ( I know.)

Caz

Related posts:

1. Stress, panic, mango smoothies, Star Wars Documentaries and a place in the sun.
2. I feel odd in my belly this AM

Tags: digestion, Movies, random thoughts, stress, work