My diet & detox journal

Is there really such a thing?

Maybe when you eat it too quickly so as not to enjoy it?

chocolate from Nahuatl ~This word originated in Mexico

English has had an appetite for Nahuatl words ever since 1604, when our language first tasted chocolate. In an English translation of a Spanish History of the Indies published that year is an account of chocolate, a drink made by the Aztecs of Mexico from the cacao bean. Both words are from the Nahuatl language spoken by the Aztecs, who considered chocolate divine, literally as well as figuratively. Cacao was a gift from the gods; the tree on which the beans grow served as a bridge between earth and heaven. Chocolate was an everyday drink, but the Aztecs also solemnized everything from marriages to human sacrifices by having the participants drink it.

I don’t know about all that, but I tell you, it has become possible that I can’t eat TOO much! Regardless of the fact that I typically promote the dangers of overindulgence, such as heartburn, skin disruptions, etc, I have been on a chocolate binge since Saturday afternoon when I discovered I had neglected to hand off the chocolate bars I had bought for my four graduating students as departing gifts…

Saturday, on my drive home I had noticed that they were sitting in a bag next to the passenger seat of my car, and had grown warm since the day had become pretty sunny. And who can say no to a warm bar of bittersweet chocolate, just soft enough as to not have melted into a mess, but instead easily bend into bite size pieces? It was the sweetest thing, you know? And this is coming from a gal who really hasn’t been a big fan of chocolate all her life. Honestly, I like sweets like cinnamon candy and the occasional pastry, but chocolate was rarely something I endulged in. Only during those special ‘days’ when my back is achey and my hormones call out for sugar and fats. But for some reason that chocolate looked really yummy, and I was sure I ‘needed’ it. So I gave in and decided to eat.

Words can’t describe the mouth feel of soft bitter chocolate, can they? And it really gets to you, and you notice the way it hits your bloodstream and makes your head spin. Second maybe to blended young coconuts fresh from the tree or something. But these bars I was snacking on were not small bars either. But I justified it thinking hadn’t eaten anything all day except for some millet crackers, and I was feeling down, and needed the lift, and it was nigh on 4:30pm that day, and my body was desperate for blood sugar and I was driving in my car and didn’t want to stop and do something like eat fast food. Didn’t seem like a mistake, and it certainly tasted wonderful.

That was Saturday when I ate the first. Then, Sunday, of course there was yet another chocolate bar sitting awaiting me. And it was not a matter of willpower, no. I just committed to eating more chocolate. Sunday all I ate was that big chocolate bar, and a burrito heavy with cilantro. A Chocolate binge it was becoming! Like I said, it was calling to me….“Cassy…”

Today was monday, and I couldn’t let the weekend binge stop there, could I? So since I knew there were still two more bars awaiting me, I had some more chocolate for breakfast. All I have eaten today was the chocolate, and some millet crackers. I take that back, about 5pm I started craving “real’ food and broke down to eat some baby carrots. Funny, the carrots bothered my stomach, which makes no sense if the chocolate hadn’t caused any issue. Funny IBS.

Perhaps I am onto something! I am feeling the effects of the chocolate phytochemicals. I mean, I do feel better in my head, perhaps i will sleep better tonight? But I am guessing that all of this is going to wear off at some point, so perhaps I should keep up the marathon?!?

Three down, one to go. Perhaps I should save it, or give this last one away. Might be a good idea, as I may get sick if I don’t stop this. Only it tastes really yummy… I am beginning to sound like my little sis who loves chocolate, such that she eats it every day, making excuses, and even sneaking pieces post bedtime~. Strange how I never cared for the flavor, and now it is like I am driven.

I wonder if they put MSG in that chocolate?! Sounds sinister. But the might explain things. Maybe my body is craving chocolate, and there is something in there that I need. I bet that is it.

Of course, I have been making sure to exercise, so I hope this doesn’t wack out my metabolism too much. I noticed I gained back some weight I had been working at keeping off. Did I say I ordered a treadmill? That way I can run in case the weather is too hot round here. It is not like I can run before dawn like I prefer. Sadly, as nice as the neighborhood around here seems, I wouldn’t be able to run alone at that time of day. If only my hubby liked to run along side me…But that’s kind of another story.

On other topics:

Work is good. Long day, seemed like I never sat down and had a chance to breathe. Both groups of students had a review, and were given the final exam. So tomorrow I get to grade them all. Joy. Really though, joy! I will get to see the final results of all my hard work over the past six weeks. They ended the course with 99 and 100% averages overall, so that alone speaks volumes. If the finals come out similarly, this will be a historic moment in the company. I have had tremendous success I guess!

In between mouthfuls of chocolate I spent some time calling on all the applicants I will be interviewing over the next few weeks. Seems like the pace is only ramping up. I will need the caffiene, won’t I? Only I have not been drinking caffiene since all those digestive issues came up last August. At least that is one thing to be greatful for. So the chocolate eating is going to good use!

My TCM had a mixup on her calendar today too, so although I rushed over there for my appointment at 5:30, turned out she didn’t have me on the schedule until next monday. Mistake, but I decided to go home and then T and I went over to the mall. I ended up shopping by myself, (no surprise) but got a new pinkish magenta top and green skirt for spring. It will be nice to have sunny weather clothes. I have been getting overwhelmed by wool coats. Can you believe it was 48 degrees this morning? That is like a 30 degree dip over night! I long for the tropical weather of my Margarita home!

So, hopefully now the hot water heater has warmed up enough that I can jump in the shower. Did I mention that we have to reset it everyday? The joys of renting a house….

Cass

Well, if I choose to listen to such voices in the world, perhaps we are.

But I refuse to let this type of thought affect my spirit. It is too easy for such poison arrows to affect my soul, and give root to anguish of the spirit. As intoxicating as it might be to sit in the depth of despair, to dive to the bottom and swim with the bottom feeders, I will NOT allow such a state of mind to control me. Nor will I allow such voices to haunt me.

Depression can so easily come following such discussion. Worse yet, I find that my despair is incidious. My mind spins, my heart lurches, and I find that all that I once thought as safe is no longer. There is no place that seems free of muck. It is sticky and boggy. It is hard to move. My very spirit lies open to daggars and darts from all angles. How can one feel safe in such a situation?

Honestly, when then is it safe to let down the walls, to drop the defense? When time after time the same game is played, it is played out! I am tired. Tired and weak from the struggle.

My spirit knows that one must savor that which is good, that which nutures, that which heals, that which stregnthens hope. I have learned this lesson before, I am sure. And we all search for such an experience, to find it at all cost. That is a life quest. But when time after time you are left with a bad taste in your mouth, it is hard to keep getting back up.

A geniune individual will know that corn flakes are not where it is at. Tell me why the world considers it flighty and flakish when you FEEL life and love with abandon? When you share your feelings and laugh like a child? Is not that what we are called to do? To be as a child, curious and honest? To love beyond all else? To love as the ultimate goal?

It is ludicrous that in this world the poets are discarded as being crazy, and by being crazy are written off as lost in delusion. It makes no sense to do so, as if those who feel are somehow lost? But then, in such a world, who would want to be found? Why can’t we be clear about what is right and good? Why are such individuals described as playing the fool?

I wish i could just know with certainty that it will one day make sense. But that too is ridicuous. Nothing is ever set in stone, and nothing lasts for ever, not in this lifetime. We can at least count on that, I suppose.

But it would be nice once in a while to just be able to sit back, accepting and knowing that what you feel you want may very well be real. That what you hope to experience is true. I wish nothing but that for myself all who read this.

Caz

I get what they meant. I mean, sometimes we have to just get through or get over or get past or get real, and then it all comes out ‘peachy’ on the otherside if we just keep on.

But sometimes wish I could go backwards instead. (Or at least throw it all in reverse for a bit.)

Don’t you agree? I mean, we often see things in hindsight that we don’t see in the moment. And just going backwards for a bit might allow us to press out the wrinkles.

But life doesn’t work that way. And again, as I have said many a time before, it is the wrinkles that make it life that much more memorable. So I suppose it just means working through it all, and wading through the bog. And then it will all get easier, right? And it will all make sense in 20-20.

Today was intense. I spent the ride to and from the job expo I attended crying in the car…(I was an exhibitor, not job hunting.) Hearing the finality, however, yesterday that my dad is going through some health issues, it set me off, and then of course there was the whole self blame, what am I doing about my own life, my own stuff, and what if my parents were to die, where would I be, etc.

And I know better. I mean, I KNOW better. But grief is intense. And it doesn’t answer to logic, does it? It is just so REAL. So strong. SO intense.

And I opened up to a couple people at work about it, and then I regretted having done so. To my own boss none the less, and one of my students. One can’t do such things, can they? But, I mean, I couldn’t hold it in. It was just flowing forth, I was feeling incredibly emotional and to tell the truth it kinda of felt liberating to just spill it all, and just share the grief. My boss reminded me that we are all human. Indeed

And what made it worse was that moments before I had tried to eat microwaved chili for lunch. MICROWAVED. And it fell like a rock, and I was gagging on it. And it seemed like my body was just ripe for a tantrum. It felt just like the worst lunch.

And it comes at such a strange time too. Because my current class is just finishing tomorrow. And I have grown fond of each of my students, and watched them as they grew in knowlege and understanding, and seen thier eyes light up as they finally begin to connect the dots. And they all had such nice things to say about me. Even my boss shared several compliments. But whether it is my intense desire to BE HUMBLE, (which at times I wonder about being ‘forced’) or the fact that I have such a poor sense of self worth, but I can’t be happy inside.

I take that back. I am happy. I am joyous. I am thrilled at what I have accomplished, what they have accomplished. But I have some sort of wierd emotional or psychological twist that makes me feel sad anytime good things happen. Like I am awaiting the axe to fall. So when I heard that dad is going through stuff, well, like I said, it set me off.

Why is joy sometimes bittersweet? I have so many wonderful gifts to be thankful for. And I sit here, kinda like a child does on his birthday, surrounded by paper packages and wrappers and ribbons and bows and clowns and carnival music and it is like so surreal. As the tears fall fast, and it is like the connection isn’t there.

It’s like I have gone out for a run, and it is raining, and instead of feeling lovely and cool, I feel winded and lethargic.

I think I need a vacation. ~Caz